rio_luna5: (halloween kitten)
I got home last nioght and went to bed a bit late. I took lu to counseling early in the morning, i had gotten right on the chores and was moving quickly thru the to-do's. Cherise had goen to spend the nite with her friend Victoria and at 4am had started throwingup. so, joy. i brought ehr home, and she ran a fever and slept all day.

It was yet another bright sunny warm day, mid to upper 70s, bright sunshine, totally too warm for samhain. i was in tank top all day.

i did chores around the house all morning, then went over to MIchael's to get gem-glue and E6000 and a couple other things for costuming.i ahve been feeling an itch to get creative, but it's so hard to bring the matreils, the space, and the time together. tonite, i cleared out the kids' breakfast nookl and brought supplies out and started bedazzling a pair of underpants (not so easy, as it turns out)

I went to burleque class in the aftrenoon--we are closing in on our recital date--and then i got soem food at Taco do mexico. back home, cherise was still asleep and looking miserable, she and hr dad were curled up toegther most fo the day.'

Halloween saturday is full of things to do, there wre several burlesque tonites all obrt town. The witches ball was tonite, and Dia de los Muertos over at the Pirate gallery. i wasa really looking forward to Dia de los, but in the end it felt better to stay home and tend to stuff. pulling out the art supplies, packig for tomorrow's rtual. SO i am disappointed about missing Dia AGAIN, but i think this was the best answer. and i get to go to bhed in a minute.

nice weekend so far. i cant get to everything, but i'm thinking the most important things happen, and i'm content.
rio_luna5: (halloween kitten)
wonderful things are happening:
-lots of goals and intentions i set this year, and for many years running, are FINALLY coming to fruition this year, and some of them are arriving in the last few months of 2016. i am really proud i managed to accomplish these things
-Operation Bianca Jaguar --well, looks like i will be finally performing burlesque, i have 2 hard target in two dates i have committed to performing: my queen class recital and DD Honeybee's Fresh Blood show. i am getting juiced in enough, i should be able to start apply for gigs and kittening SOON
-i have 3 poems in an anthology coming out from Neos ALexandria. getting my poetry published was something i thought might never happen again. i was a dedicated poet decades ago, and i was submitting to lots of lit magazines while working on 2 volumes of poetry. this makes me happy. two of the poems are from that time, revised a bit, and one is brand new
-because i am writing! yea!
-i finished the second mss i was editing for Immanion/megalithica. i had 2 books i was working on, and managed to send them both back to the authors to tidy up some things. I had promised to get these both to Taylor before mid nov, and i met my deadline with room to spare.
-which means i can return, with diligence, back to the Book. Since new moon and samhain are right on top of each other, it seems perfect timing
-also, we're heading into the Descent. the weathr is quite warm and nice, it doesnt feel very samhainish, but i sense that next week, the weather will change, daylight savings will start, which always disorients me. I can feel the darkness kind of waiting for me, and in the quiet stillness and repose of those first weeks of novemeber, i can get back on track and back in practice with the book.
-i am dismayed that i'm sitting so much in the evening, i have not rehearsed in so long, i feel so much resistance, and wow that is not the time for this.
-i have tomorrow off work and omg i am sooo happy about this. Cjherise is going to Adventures, so i will have many hours of (almost) solitude. of course i have a bunch of errands etc to, it is goignt o be a busy weekend, but everything tomorrow is fun and juicy, and i am really looking forward to the next few days.
rio_luna5: (halloween kitten)
It is not easy to get a state approaching done in anything with the house. Time between one time critical thing and another grows shorter, and things start piling on top of each other. My current mantra is "does this deserve a spoon?" as a way of determining where to put my energy. My intuition is really strong right, usually signaling thru body sensation what's up and what's true. At the new moon I really asked for my receiving to tune up and bring more in, i can better filter out static. Similar themes and sayings keep popping up.

I am really grateful that there is a lot of ease and gentleness with things, things are in flow. But last week, when NO ONE showed up to Samhain planning, I was annoyed and began to wonder: is this a place where i need to put a spoon? Well i want the meetup and I want to celebrate Samhain, so after fuming for a few hours etc, I took Emily's advice and just planned the event for Sunday Oct 30, in the park we did Samhain last year. I am planning the ritual myself, and asking folks who want ritual roles to come earlier. I wrote this up to be convenient to me and what I want to do, and lo, several people have rsvp'd. Good practice in being flexible and accommodating the group's needs/behavior while staying true to what i want. The meetup is picking up momentum, there is no reason for me to stress over this. I then remembered that when Amanda and Steven had planning meetings, the only person who showed up was me.

So I found a level of engagement that feels good and appropriate, and not resentful. But i was seriously wondering whether Between the Veils was worth a spoon. I was also tweaked last week when i discovered that Meetup dues, 15 bucks per month, which i thought would be a monthly automatic payment, was actually a lump sum of 89 bucks which my credit card could ill afford. I've recouped about 20 bucks of that from the event donations, but it was BAD timing.

Burlesque is taking up some spoons, and making me worry because i have not rehearsed in weeks, because my evenings are rapidly becoming very passive and sedentary, even when i don't want them to. But i get spoons back and unlike paganism, people show up for it, present and ready to go. Forgive me if I'm down on the communite, but y'all know exactly what i mean. Burlesque OTOH is not like this, so yes it is a PUSH to get to Burlesque Basics on Friday nites, it is a PUSH to get to weekend workshops and shell out more money, not to mention costume, props, makeup, and i have not even started traveling but...

My intention was "get on stage in 2016". I worked on this all summer, and yes i got derailed. In time for Bon Vivant to open and me to get to class and workshop. laura, the director, also produces Saucy Burlesque, and on Friday she asked if i would like to be part of her Fresh Blood show in December. So now I have an actual HARD TARGET to aim at. And suddenly, the swampy, foggy "i don't know the next step" started to evaporate. Just in tiem for Vivienne to start another Starlet/Queen class series. I signed up for Queen (the advanced intensive where you develop a solo routine, and perform it at one of her many shows) last June, then again in August, only to have them be cancelled for lack of enrollment. Just as I am watching my credit card balances pile up, she has another one, for more than i can afford. But I'm doing it, because I just have to go the distance, I feel really compelled to finally scratch this itch. TWO performance in 2016, will have itch thoroughly scratched, and then I can say i did it, and can better judge if this is something i want to continue to invest in (i think it might be, but I'm withholding judgement til AFTER my ass is revealed to half of Denver).

Because I cannot put another chrge on my cards, I asked Vivienne to take cash the day of the show. Stings a bit but at least it's not another charge on the card.

my cards are full of ridiculous charges, WAY too many restaurants. Now i do pay for Lu;s counseling on the card, and also Cherise's afterschool care which is expensive, but happily, I have not had to send her this year. This may change soon, woith the arrival of cold weather. But there are also car repairs, hundreds of bucks, and my air fare to San Jose, and lots of treats and things i did for myself, since i was ut of cash, and the checking account was low, and I am kida sticker shocked at how fast and how high the debt is now. and how quickly i need to scramble to pay it off.

I am glad, therefore, that i was able to buy gas with cash. That i skipped the farmer's market on sunday, that i am glad there is no dance class this Friday. that at Between the Veils, there will be some cash for me to help cover the credit card bill. That there is enough food in the fridge, that i can put dinner together with ease. But i am dismayed about being so in debt, and how tight it feels. I remember not that long ago, my credit card debt was NOTHING, and how easy that felt. it's really on my heart today, so I am doing a lot of brahmari to ease the tension.
rio_luna5: (cherry tree)
So yes, i found it a bit odd that i was fairly determined in my mind to fuck this man i really don't know too well, but determined i was to at least some smooching in. And i was pretty much not ashamed at all, exzcept i was woried i was being awkward and ineept about it.

Because i kept running into him, becaise there kept being vibes. Because it's been a while since i felt that kind of Pagan wood-lust. because for whatever reason i felt safe with this man. And i kept running into him--at the maypole, on the trail. Saturday afternoon, Chjerise went off to play and i took a moment to lie down, get some shut eye before Gavin Bon's class. and i'm lying in bed, really wanting to masturbate and fantasize about this man, i fight this urge for some time and finally get up and put my clothes and get ready to do something edifying. and there he is walking ebhind my damn cabin. this is getting just silly.

my class with Gavin Bone is amazing. ayt one point he asks for someone to be his Lovely Assitant in doing the chalice and i was called up to assist. He knelt at my feet and handed me the athame. damn, he is fine. then in the evening, I attaned Gavin and Janet ferrar's prophecy ritual, and i was called to help the priestess channelling hecate. again, damn.

after all this, and putting cherise to bed, i went looking for him. at the maypole he had invited me to hang out that nite. "Now you dont need to run off tonite, you need to hang out." And when i foudn them again,late at the drumming, I was invited back to their tent, i got entheogenic and we were off to the races.

the moly had a crown stamped on it, and i was unsure about taking it but the crown was a clue that this was a Sovereignty thing going on. The onset was FAST and i reallky shoul have grounded better before takeoff, because i spilled my guts. i cried a little, i talk til i went non-verbal, i felt the grief of the deaths and the loneliness of being married to aaron, and on it went. I recited the Hymn to Pan, we got naked, more women showd up, we blessed the fields and it was crazy.

when i finally got back into my bed, at 6am, i was blissed out. no i didnt fuck that much, and the trip had shown me several places where my Sovereignty failed. but i felt so at peace and loved and happy. such a marvelous gift, so much affirmation.

now in the week since this event, i've had highs and lows, i've considered what it means. i came back vibrating and still high off the Pan energy. Monday night late, i stood naked on the balcony and had a psychic yelling match. I've sifted thru so much intel and i have some truths:

-the sex was a catalyst. it might be nothign more. but it's about the liberation of the human spirit wich has not been my experience in soo long.
-I'm poly. i tried to repress this shit for so long but i am poly. saying this settles into me and feels true
-there is a wave of magick flwoing thru my life. in typical fashion it iognited via earth magick at beltane and i beleive it will follow the cycle. In any case, i want to be part of this ashe for as a logn as it flows
-this wave that lifted myself, J&A seems to so synchronous, there are deep conisidence and synchronicity here. also, a very sudden care and affection, beyond the sexual. there seems to be a reason why we are suddenly thrown together. This, and othr contacts at Beltania, i feel like i have found part of my Colo tribe.
-this ashe is real and it is touching my life. My writing is taking off. last thrusday i wrote for 3 hours. my intention to write more & more better, is comign true. My roses are blooming ffo r the first time in years. THis means all the Litha magick i have not been able to do, know I can. My apple trees are coming in. i see this as an emanation of this ashe
-there appears to be work i need to do here, and play as well, and wonder of wodners, my kids are about to leave for 6 weeks so hallelujah.
-i was out very late saturday nite (i gothome arund 4:30am) and aaron laughed because it is so unlike me. I told him that i'm feeling waves of new energy and while they last i want to go with it, including the taking rolls and hanging out all night. so despite thinking he was goign to be very against it, he's fine with me taking this time to revel in the ecstatic.
-i'm not sure i want to have sex with J & A again, but i feel so free to make that choice, and i also feel more satisfied NOT to. it all feels like my choice again and i am so grateful

As a reward for all this work, a huge chunk of rape trauma understanding was dropped on me, and i integrated it. it stung but it has no power ovr me now.
rio_luna5: (cherry tree)
i have been feeling really churny lately, lots of thoughts, everythig feels chaotic and overwhelming. it feels so hard getting to stuff, and things do not fall into fractals, but are like a tangle of spaghetti. i cant find the beginning of strands, every problem has its root in another problem. it gets overhwleming.

sunday was hard, i dont know why i was in such a foul mood, but it was very hard to shift, the whole day i just felt kinda lousy and low energy. more on this.

-ever since the sun moved into taurus, i've ben thinking about Hathor. i went to Google images, and her images were so pretty, I got very inspired. i called her in at my combination Beltaine/ new moon rite.
-all of a sudden egypt is on my mind, right now i'm watching a documentary on the pyramids and egyptian cosmology (yeah i know, but the actual researchers are a lot more interesting than the voice over)
- more rabbits
-lots of sweet hepful synchronicities
-the earth energy rising being floral

also, lots of birds, and a snake in my periwinkle bed
rio_luna5: (river fog)
"I sit before flowers, hoping they will train me in the art of opening up," says poet Shane Koyczan. "I stand on mountain tops believing that avalanches will teach me to let go." I recommend his strategy to you in the coming weeks, Cancerian. Put yourself in the presence of natural forces that will inspire you to do what you need to do. Seek the companionship of people and animals whose wisdom and style you want to absorb. Be sufficiently humble to learn from the whole wide world through the art of imitation.
rio_luna5: (winter river)
"A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking," said journalist Earl Wilson. Do you fit that description, Cancerian? Probably. I suspect it's high time to find a polite way to flee your responsibilities, avoid your duties, and hide from your burdens. For the foreseeable future, you have a mandate to ignore what fills you with boredom. You have the right to avoid any involvement that makes life too complicated. And you have a holy obligation to rethink your relationship with any influence that weighs you down with menial obligations.
rio_luna5: (winter river)
we'rer having a little warm snap, they say it'll hit 60 on Friday, which means right after that, we get plunged back into the deep freeze and have some frozen precip on the way. I'm no fan of the frozewn bag of suck that is winter once the holidays are over, but I do think having a real winter with actual cold weather is necessary, even if I am just over it. Because my car is still in the shop, and my loaner doesn't fit in the garage, the car is freezing when I get in, and I have to climb over the snowy lawn or an icy driveway first. I hope lots of melting occurs over the next few days.

I hope the humidity of the El Nino year persists, along with cooler temps in summer. we had no forest fires in state last year, which is always a minor miracle.

I am making plans about the yard & garden (yarden) and have ideas about what to plant. it feels too early to get out there, but I also know, suddenly it will be too late. I'm trying to keep an eye on things and hit things before it's too late. I brought in all my herbs in thr fall, and they are all thriving in the living room (except for the parsley). I'll put those back out, and plant zucchini again, and plant the pumpkin in the rose bed. Not sure what to do with the back bed--it doesn't get as much sun as I thought, but still gets plenty, so I'm contemplating what should go there: pole beans? bush beans? peas? I'm definitely growing more pot, which was one of the few things I grew well. I love this time of the year, when it's still winter but we're making plans about for the spring and summer. Soon, seed catalogs are going to start turning up at the house.

The day planner pic this week is enormous saguaro cactuses against an intensely blue sky. I'm feeling a harder line of focus, and I'm trying to stay focused on what I have to do, and not get distracted.

descending

Dec. 1st, 2015 07:22 pm
rio_luna5: (winter river)
altho the point of Rally is not massive productivity, lots of people report just that while there and soon after. It's the break from their routine, the support, the lack of distractions. even with the modifications i had to make to the plan (because i cannot allow Cherise's sovereignty to include going outside in 25 degrees in sandals, or coloring over my good tablecloth), my mini Rally was amazing, and i got a blog post published, i made some progress on the book i'm editing, and i made art. I journaled 10 pages or more, and reread some opld journals and found treasure in them. treasure all around.

part of Rally is the Shiva Nata, and i made Flailing part of our balanced breakfast every day. I went back to the video, and discovered chunks of first level stuff i had skipped over. I gained new insight into a sequence i thought i has down, all kinds of new stuff. when i Compassed in the morning, I did the basic 8 hand movements, one position for each point of the compass. I did them consecutively one day and did quarters/cross-quarters the following day, kept messing up (which is the point). then i would do a small portion of the video later, and of course shivasana every time. that was very good, still getting intel and processing this out.

i feel a much deeper calm and grounding, but i really was off my game and ungrounded today,a dn that was kinda sucky. the spoons run out so fast. while i am taking the space i need, there is no one keeping shit straight while i'm out. i really wanted to see A on saturday, but aaron with his flu, lu with her dad, cherise being bored, how could i leave? how could that not have been a disaster?

despite the fact that we are now in sagitarrius and feeling morre optimistic, and the joyful season of Advent is upon us, i like steering towards more-rest, less-doing for as logn as possible. at the same time, i have a bunch of porjects and work to do, just all of it at home. it feels pretty insistent that i just drop and descend. to that end i'm going to get a shower.

gratitude

Nov. 29th, 2015 03:51 pm
rio_luna5: (winter river)
i have made Gratitude a practice all month, and it has been very instructive and felt pretty lovely. it was present and helped carry me thru some rough moments.

i pushed on wed to have everything on board so i would not need to leave the house on thur, fri and sunday. and it came true (i had to run out for a moment this afternoon, but it was quick).

i worked thru Havi's materials, often with Cherise, and it was super fun. i find i cant proocess all that happened--i've been journalling it out longhand, and wow synchronous treasure everywhere.

it's been so cold. it snowed a bit on thursday and yesterday, and today, not more than a dusting, but it's cold and gloomy, prfect for staying home. SO many thanks to past me who made sure this time was as protected as possible.

i got a facial recently. omg i got a nice facial. my esthetician had a sale, and i jumoped on it, i had wanted to make this an every-6-weeks thing, and it's been 5 months. so there you go. she also had a sale on products and i bought my fave cleanser and moisturizer. the facial--omg, hot towels soaked in lemon, then rosemary, then menthol, scrubby parts and hot parts and cool parts, and omg i glowed when i left. then i got a lil hummus plate over at my new fave mediterranean place, and i felt so cared for.

finally, after lots of systematic unplugging and descending, we hit the deep level well-tending i deeply need. and all it took was 5 days off, expensive food and luxurious bodywork. So that's great intel, and a good template for More Please.

Aaron's stomach flu yesterday cleared up, but overnite the kidney stones started up. there is no end with this guy's manifold dysfunctions. this means that around 2am, after i had about 3 hours of sleep, he woke up in severe distress. i did my best to help, and finally at 4am, he was comfy-ish on the couch, and i got about 3.5 before waking up. he slept on til 11ish, and has been tender all day.

i am still in Rally (being online is technically NOT Rally-approved, but i feel like chekcing) and it's been a lot of fun. the cold weather and being 'snowed in' have been perfect. lots of magick here this weekend. it's required that i consciously disconnect from chores, but i have also been pretty fluid about doing some maintenance tasks. seriouslym this whole thing has been very instructive.

one thing i have discovered is, the full moon's qualities of revelry, i lived them, rather than doing the ritual. More and more i'm finding the lunar work is what happens on the moon itself, not necessarily what happens in ritual. this full moon was a dead show, a feast, and a three day art/Shiva NAta retreat. lots to love. and it's all been so low key and doable. very happy about this.
rio_luna5: (halloween kitten)
November! Usually just an extension of the 6 weeks of Samhain, this year the Descent was very quiet and took forever. There was a piece about getting that final harvest in and comparing it to the seeds planted. I know my Book has not ripened as I hoped. other stuff along those lines, but mostly Samhain was very quiet and sorrowful, and I had plenty of scary.

I was very proud that I managed to do all my Dark Goddess Fest stuff perfectly well (despite being sure I was fucking it up. my colleagues and the founder were all WOW, we're in the Westword! That's a first! ) and got lots of strokes from Amber Z the director ("Whatcha mean this is the first time? I thought you were a marketing professional. You seemed so confident and calm. And now I am even mnore impressed that you were dealing with cancer-nonsense!") Props for me! I wanted to stretch a bit, do something I had not done before that I wanted to be able to do as pagan service, and I hit it and did a really good job. I have more thoughts about next year.

November's Tarot card - Balance (Justice) reversed. I am having trouble finding balance, I feel like butter spread over too much bread. this month has been about retruning me to balance and so far it has worked.

Havi's calendar says: Glow More! I do not dim my spark for anyone. I have named Nov the Moon of Stillness and Gentle Motion, and it has been so far, and I am very happy.

my kitchen calendar has a girl asleep in a cave below pine trees. "How long since you slept in the Tree of Awe?" it's very woodsy and mysterious, but restful.

Seriously, so much treasure from being still and relaxing, it really is the right answer.

Day planner pix have been so accurate:
Week before Samhain: a river with pines and red maples. I had a lot of ochun magick that week, and it was a week of feeling in the flow and deeply feeling the shift into autumn despite the warm temps.
Samhain week: Aurora Borealis! Green and purple swirls with dark pines in front. Mysterious, spooky, trippy.
Nov 1 - autumn leaves frosted. the weather got cold, the Samhainy vibe continued as I finished up Samhain events and DGF. I also began to really feel the need to slow the hell down and rest.
Nov's second week - full moon at daybreak in Hawaii. a beautiful pearly moon sinking into pink and lavender clouds. this week I really started to shut things down and take time to rest
Last week - tall rugged cliffs dusted in snow. there's an interplay of the lightness of the snow with the strength of the mountains. Looking at my calendar, it was a week where nothing was scheduled, but I did everything that needed to be done. I feel like this refers to coming back to a place of strong foundation, regardless of what gets put on top of me. I am proud that my carrying ability seems to have gone up a lot.
this week - green winged teal. a beautiful little duck in the water. This week I began to see the lines of Canada geese flying around town. it reminds me of cyclicity, and that we are moving into the winter soon. I really noticed the shorter days this week, the bare trees (many of them are taking their time, but most trees are approaching bare).

Virgo

Aug. 25th, 2015 04:16 pm
rio_luna5: (Ochun!)
I'm always relieved when we finally transit into Virgo. Leo's intensity and extroversion can be hard to take, and by the time we start wrapping it up, all the possibilities and all the self-expression and all the everything, just begins to feel chaotic.

Virgo tones stuff down. Virgo brings the beginning of school which always, ironically, once all the back to school commotion settles down, I find grounding and calming. Virgo is a mutable sign, so it's time for analysis and evaluation, but as an earth sign, what's being evaluated is health, wealth and the state of the harvest.

During Leo I was in deep conversation about desire, I was very clear about what I want. These are still usually things: clothes or jewelry or books or the latest package I bought at Black Phoenix. I wanted to write AND do burlesque AND go to work out AND garden AND go to the pool AND lay around AND AND AND. And it was jarring every time limitations popped up: I cannot do both of these things, I must choose. If I go to the pool, I cannot write or do housework, so the work will not be done. back and forth all the time. This could be frustrating but it was also necessary as I learned to tune into True Yes. I make a lot of compromises and accomodations in my life, and I often (feel I) need to let go of what I want, in order to keep the ship floating. During Leo I get really clear about what I want, I really see that True Yes, and limitations and obstacles frustrate the hell out of me.

In Virgo, I feel better equipped to judge, I want this more than that, if I choose X then Y will happen. It feels more grounded and precise, I feel more in control than being controlled, which always is nice.

Since the Sun went into Virgo:
-I cleaned out a bunch of junk out of my wallet and briefcase--not all of it, but lots of unneeded things left
-the massive amount of clothes everywhere (the girls' boxes from Miami, the 3 bags that Cherise was just given by V's mom and M's aunt) being put away, or culled. lots of stuff going to consignment, Goodwill and friends. Presence of new sturdy boxes means I was able to encourage FIL to repack some of the massive amounts of crap he has stored in the garage, much of it in dirty, crumbling boxes.
- I painted! It was an hour, and I didn't get too far, but I did it
- I worked on the review pile (only 4 books but to me it felt like a soul crushing pile)
-decided I really need to stop taking on book reviews
-found a new ritual group, women's spirituality group and a Tarot class, all run by this very cool artist named Amanda. I really like her
-was disappointed when Goddess Grove (my women's spirituality group) canceled fore the month, but it allows me to attend the above this month
-and then our facilitator set a date for the monthly writers group, which I'm going to start going to
-and suddenly there is plenty of community and things to do!
-with all the local pagan stuff (Druids etc) and my own altar sisters, A & A
-the workout is becoming integrated into the weekly routine
-we are eating better more often. not every day, but steadily
-I was frettin about the money and the credit cards etc etc, esp since Thorn's class, Crafting Spiritual Evolution, starts soon and I could not decide how to pay. Email today opened up an option I had not considered, which will NOT add to credit card balance, an evil to be avoided at all costs, at least until the cards are paid off. This is very good news
-everything feels a little bit better organized now
rio_luna5: (wheat field & storm)
I for got to add PaganiCon to the list, this is a hotel con sponsored by Llewellyn Books over Ostara weekend. I was looking at the website and thinking about going there instead.

Because there is some weirdness happening wrt P'con and the hotels. There are 3 shots to get into the hotel itself, a lottery system with no guarantee. The Airport Garden is BOOKED solid for the weekend, the Courtyard down the street is charging 140 a night, and 260 on 2/14. The Doubletree normally charges 99, the Airport Garden 90, con rates. So this is, I dunno, obnoxious as hell.

I'm also stewing in comparison, and feeling daunted and stuck about: my magickal skills, my priestess skills, my workshop skills, etc. Also, rubibees prob won't make it. Also, RowanF might not make it.

Should I go and not present? Maybe just make myself very useful in the Umbanda Suite? Be present for Immanion events and try to help with those? Do I dare to hope that last year's awful re-entry won't repeat itself?

And then I thought: I could go to COnVocation instead. No, Detroit in Feb is NOT charming, but...a new venue, more chances of my workshops getting picked up, I could work on Black Madonna. I could do the Golden pentacle, that would be an awesome new venue to present that. Plus, at ConVo, Kenn Day is a presenter and it would be great to re-connect with him, see some Sheya magick and learn more about Urban Shamanism (my new interest).

Likewise, Paganicon. Lots of the same folks (Thorn, Taylor, Orion) go to present there. Again, a a new venue, a new place to do the Black Madonna or Intro to ADR or the Golden pentacle.

Despite issues with weather, for whatever reason ConVo and Paganicon feel juicier to me right now, and I wonder if it's because I'm feeling slightly less competent every time I compare myself to Yeshe Rabbit. which I shouldn't do, but when I'm in my stuck it's hard not to. The same confidence I feel about presenting here in town or at Beltania, just evaporates. Pantheacon really is the Carnegie Hall of pagan evnts and the only way to get there is Practice.

I did cme out of the weekend with one new determined thought: I feel ready to present at living earth about ADR now. They invite foldk from various traditions to talk (this is how K got in to talk about Feri, and also the way by which she stepped on enough toes to be dis-invited).

I hate missing Pcon. I want to go, I want to go to all these things.
rio_luna5: (wheat field & storm)
I love to go to pagan fest, but it's always challenging to allocate the funds and commit to going. For years I put off going to Spiral, it was always a little too much and a little too far, and I alwsys talked myself out of it, til the 2000s and I ended up only going 3 times, when the fest had contracted and become more focused but also much less populated and somewhat less 'fabulous' (less dramatic rituals, no vending at all).

And also, in past years, I just really am over camping. Despite the air mattress and the 0 degree sleeping bags, the girls and I were mostly miserable at Dragonfest, and I'm not sure I would have had a better time without them. The first year I went (2002), I went with my coven, many of whom were old-timers and had all kinds of camping luxury and fuu to share. it was fine. last time was exhausting, and I had much less fun as I was chasing after cherise or struggling to cook on a tiny one burner stove in the hail in a field of thistles, while everyone else had camp kitchens and RVs and were all living large as hell.

In any case I am skipping Dragonfest this year again, and I am okay with it. It started this morning, and in past years I was bummed to be missing it, but this year I KNOW if I wanted to be there it would be pretty hard to be pulling it together to go.

So far this year, I went to Pantheacon and Beltania and presented at both. I had a TERRIBLE re-entry after Pcon, which still makes me mad, but saying I won't go is letting the terrorists win.

I want to present at Pcon, but it's like playing Carnegie Hall: you really have to have your shit wired tight. I did my Black Madonna lecture a few years ago, and last year Yeshe Rabbit and her cabal put on a Black Madonna devotional that included, among other things, a beautiful woman singing 'Ave MARIA' in latin during the whole rite. Pantheqcon is what challenges me to get better at ritual, at my personal praxis and at putting on larger rites. it makes me feel like my skills deteriorate more very year. I'm having lots of feels about this. I need to sign up for Pcon this month and also submit workshop ideas. I have some inkling about what I want to do and I'm ALREADY talking myself out of it, or thinking IF and only IF Rayna can co-present with me...

I don't know why I am in such comparison-angst with other proiestesses right now, but I am.

I wrote a list of all the conferences I am interested in at the moment:
-dragonfest, this week. not going
-Pantheacon. I always go back and forth but skipping it feels like a defeat. I'm going in 2016 but I need to set up more care for Cherise.
-Convocation. The week after Pcon in Dearborn, MI. I'm interested in attending this gathering, but one admits, Detroit in February is not nearly so nice as California in February. Not this year, but I like the idea of gatherings/cons being part of my 'business' at some point, it would be nice to start making an appearance soon.
Sacred Space - early March in Maryland, VERY expensive comparatively. Not going.
-Folk Magick and Conjure fest, in NOLA, Nov 2015. This is sooooo totally expensive, it's hard to imagine ever being able to go to this thing. Hotel is spendy, and each class/day costs a bunch. A few years ago the graveyard ancestor rite cost 200 bucks just for that, never mind the other classes. As much as I want to learn conjure/hoodoo, I cannot fford this and I'm not sure I agree with chartging this fucking much to teach (mostly) white, affluent people the magick of the slave caste. See also: sour grapes
-Inner Convocation rituals with RJ Stewart & Anastacia Nutt. This will be my 3rd weekend workshop learning about their Underworld/Faery traditions. This one is about the foundational work of supporting one's body and home while engaging with this work. I am also part of a group in Boulder who work with them and are in teacher training with them, so there's a definite line of their students who are committed to the work and carrying it on in community. I like the idea of a community, everyone at their own level and working at their own pace, teaching and supporting this work. The ultimate goal here is [Saving the Planet] and I'm glad to be back in a focused community of faith where the work itself is so juicy for me. This is happening in October
-Crafting Spiritual evolution, with Thorn & Friends. Thorn's next online Morningstar course is a 4 month exploration of Air, followed by the rest of the elements, which includes weekly homework and the text "evolutionary witchcraft.' Altho it is more expensive than Fiat Lux, I proved to myself that I can be present and focused on the bi-weekly homework with Fiat Lux, in fact I was one of the most present and active voices in the forum. I am still in the forum, working thru the Iron and pearl pentacles on my own and processing with whomever is still in the forum. But with just me and 2 other, infrequent posters, the work I'm doing feels like I'm on my own. Which is fine, but I want greater rigor and accountability, and I always love to work thru the elements, so I think this is perfect timing. It starts on Sept 1, and is 100 a month, spendy, so this is why I'm pushing so hard to get my credit cards paid down, before the new monthly auto-payment kicks in.
rio_luna5: (summer fox kit)
I had the best birthday ever. Our trip to California was a blast! so much fun, new adventures every day. amazeball things happened: so much magick, and so much specifically deadheads in the Bay area magick. it's a special flavor, it used to be a constant in my life, so the energy of the weekend was joy with emotion, poignancy, that realization of getting older, of things changing, of the boundless energy of joy not being present or present in tbe same supply.

I am desperately clinging to the joy of the weekend, which was so finite and brief and fleeting, and the fact that there was a lot of tears and longing for what's passed in there. But there was also this. Aaron and I promised to let this go, put it in a box and move on and release it and I will, but I am still stung from the last events of the weekend that left a bad taste in both our mouths.

We know that Aaron and I do communicate very well sometimes, and sometimes we have a hard time working together, and sometimes when he's drunk he will purposely be obstructive, derailing, and uncooperative. Depending on the day and the stakes, this is a pain in the ass.

So we had several delightful days, altho there was the typical constant running commentary from him: 'slow down, hurry up, which way do I turn, hurry up and tell me, this is not right, etc etc.' There was catastrophism whenever things did not go right. We had some issues finding parking, but I discovered we were 2 blocks from light rail. little obstacles would pile up, he would make himself insane flying into the heart of the problem, I would gently suggest this or that, it woud turn out to be the right answer, we'd get back on track. Til the next thing.

and of course, when I asked what we should do or made suggestions I was ignored, or yelled at, or mocked, or rebuked. until I was proved right, when this would stop for a few hours, til the next catastrophe. this is just the normal noise in here any day so I filtered a lot of that out.

now sunday, 2 old friends come down to visit. since this has been a plan for weeks, and he knew about it, I'm pretty shocled to discover later that this is NOT what aaron wanted. well thanks for not letting me know. but here it gets more complex. yes I know aaron loves to raom the shows on his own. I do not know he is not overjoyed to see these friends since he said yeah invite them down.

I'm using proxy language here. someone brought me empanadas. I love empanadas and I get them far more rarely than I would like. These are a flavor of empanadas I've never tried and I WANT THIS EMPANADA. these empanadas have serving requirements that are a bit more involved than just slapping it on a plate. so a certain amount of set&setting has to happen. And so I eat the empanada and it is DELICIOUS and joyyyyyyyyy.......

now the day after an empanada one feels a bit raw emotionally, the filetrs are pulled off. And Aaron is acting very hostile and cold. over breakfast it turns out he is very angry about the way the evening before went especially the way the empanadas were served. We had had a plan about leaving for the show, he had snuck out and went alone, so it became anxious and weird for me. But this is also a long standing old pattern: every time I have eaten empanadas, the first serving of every flavor has been accompanied by my bf or hsuabnd getting very angry about me eating empanadas. often even though they themselves have eaten many empanadas, they get pissed or angry or accusatory when I go to have one. This was the last thing in the world I was expecting from aaron, and it literally felt like being punched in the gut. I was shaking for hours, and miserable, and saw with the typical post-empanada clarity that these things were arising because the energy is there: the places where I don't have real sovereignty, where the same old dynamics of (it seems to me) of being controlled or policed by a loved one or peer become even more pointed when empanadas come into the picture.

I am determined to learn from this, and not just surrender to the narrative, but seriously every fucking time I get a new empanada flavor, my boy objects, often violently. LOts of PTSD moments in here. after that I just felt hopeless and sad andit took a lot of work on both our parts to agree to put those last few hours in a box and then burn it and move forward. it makes me worry that unless our future vacations are just us then they will suck, but most likely there won't be more vacations going forward. This one was the first in 6 years or more.

it really is so sad that this unpleasant bullshit is what is dictating my mood now, because it so completely displaced the pure joy of the previous 2 days.

ps. I am totally having more of those empanadas. whatever bad associations he has now, I am going to get and enjoy them again, altho I will need to be very careful about set and setting because seriously, what bullshit.
rio_luna5: (summer fox kit)
afew weeks ago, the irises popped. they are in full bloom.

the peonies, the pansies, the roses--everythign is popping.

because of all the rain, my poppies are enormous, and my lawn looks very green and lush with no spirnkler action.

i am so glad i put in a garden this year. I planted the zuchinis today--got a bed emptied out-- and i planted the nasturtium by the mailbox post. i will plant more potatos tomorrow, another 2 rowsto fill the potato bed.

Everythign looks like its thriving. it makes me happy. I weeded out the old herb bed and discovered that the chives were standign up to the vetch, but also the thyme, which i thught had been cnsumed, had one lil green patch. it is a tangle of dry black twigs except for this one lil part, but given how thikck the vetch was, the fact taht it was not totally swallowed is testament to the thyme's hardiness. i hope now that the bed is cleared out the chives & thyme will be happy, and the zukes will be too.

omg soooo much yard work to do all the freaking time.
rio_luna5: (cherry tree)
last night it got dark and cloudy and very windy and then rain and lightning. been a while since we had a nice soaking rain. this morning it had frozen to this thin crust of ice on everything, but all the plants shook it off. it stayed cold mst of the day. and it was dark.

when Aries began I was asking lots of questions. Aries is about identity, who we are at our core. It is also about the action we want to take in the world. beginning at ostara, the energy really propels new projects into being. so I've been asking these questions and getting clues and answers.

many of these answers come to me in the morning, as I'm getting ready for work. this is not always the most convenient moment for deep process.

I asked about "how do I best fuel myself?" I got clues about my health, more sleep, less pot, more exercise. but I also got clues about addiction and that became tender.

I asked "where does all this fear come from?" I realized many of my assaults happened in the spring, so this may be why fear and anxiety seems to ratchet up. My mom died this month 2 years ago, so that pain is still there, and so much other pain is involved here. My long-standing abandonment issues, coupled with feeling pretty abandoned by my partner in rough moments. I had many chances to experience this fear, to feel all the old pTSD conditioning, and then...nothing, it was fine, I was safe, no one hurt me, no one was goignt o hurt me. I cried I was so relieved and scared and sad that even at age 50, when something goes wrong, my first thought is "how am I to blame, and what punishment awaits me for this?" So still unpacking that.

I got lots of little clues and messages. Everything is okay! This inquiry, yes it stings, but I am uncovering things that I am strong enough to cope with now. This week had a num,ber of challenging moments, and a lot of times I just had to keep working at whatever, even though I wanted to rest. I felt a lot of anxiety and sorrow, I felt a lot of old weighted memories.

And even with 3 consecutive days of migraines (WHY!!!!!), these memories didn't swamp the boat. they hurt, I got derailed a bit, but not completely distracted, not laid out under the weight of it all.

Also, the grief is finally lifting. Not all of it, but that weight of sadness and sorrow is not as sad, I have more energy, I can start feeling my way into planning and projects, I can move forward without feeling like I'm dragging the past behind me.
rio_luna5: (winter river)
so yesterday, I was all set for Imbolc shenanigans at a druid cabal up north. My food was still cooking, and since i i didnt feel okay turn ing up without food, i didnt go.

no worries, i thought, i will go to OtherDruids here in the SE, only when time to leave for that cme, the 4 of us were piled up on the sofa, watching a foolish movie. Aarn was hanging wth us, the girls were not fighting, how could extract myself to go drive in the snow to ritual? it felt contrived and nt organic. so we stayed home, and ate the chicken wings i made.

no worries, i thought, i'm still going to the SuperDuper Imbolc early tomorrow at the Mercury cafe. My coven sisters were to meet me, it was family-oriented so yea kids, and someone had brought Azrael & Arynn K to town to lead a workshop (yesterday) and ritual this morning). i went about my night, I even wrte and published a blog post about Hecte's Feast and then i was just so tired, and i felt too tired to go out and lay the libation and when i checked the window it was snowing, in earnest. It had been spitting and flurrying for over day, on and off, but this was a light but determined shower, it poured down like sugar, swift and soft and silent, and you could tell it meant to stay like that for a while. tere was no wind and the cloud pack was dense as hell, there was visibility.

when i woke up to 6 inches and a slight headache, i was very much like, fuck this sideways Hugo. i had managed on saturdsy to get in the groceries, to get to the rec center to sign up, to cook and clean and get in some altar time and even write. i was on a fucking roll. but shoveling out 6 inches of powder so i could slip and slide all the way to the Mercury with cherise in tow, while it was snowing, seemed foolish, a bad allocation of resources. since one sister had a;ready bpwed out the night before, i was just like, this is Mercury retro but it also solid Guidance. what i need is not out there today.

i am still in pjs and i a okay with this.

i dislike hving my cmmon area taken up by FIL, most of which is because i dont feel like i can use the space for yoga or exercise or for ritual, certainly, but i do take it back long enough to do 20 minutes of yoga and shiva nata, and that was wonderful. But it does refer back to my 2015 reading--the Hermit was the Crossing Card. I read crosses as both obstacles to and bridges INTO, since it links the going out and the coming in. Since this whole year is involved in spirituality and priestessing, how is the Hermit a bridge and an obstacle? well, i sure am not out in community when i'm home obviously. ANd since the medicine card i pulled for the work of the year was Mountain Lion - Leadership - quiet repose at home does not align with that.

i am notiicng that this is nOT the first or even the third year, that my plans for Imbolc out somehwere got ratfucked, and mayeb this is a feature, not a bug, that my Imbolc needs to be a solitary or family event. maybe now that Cherise is older and wants to participate in ritual (lu has no interest), maybe Imbolc wants to be a family or solo event. so even though cherise and i both really wanted to go out to some of these things, i am intrigued about being at home today. I have no lack of things to do, scred or mundane, and no real reason to go out.

it feels very cozy.
rio_luna5: (winter river)
last week's pic was a red sun rising over a dark lake, illumating icicles, lots of extremes. Last week was like that, extremes of weather, stress, worry. but underneath it, I felt that the year was finally underweigh, things were occurring as they needed to.

when I set 2015's theme as Foundation & Temple, I thought it moght be too simplistic. however I thought about Integration, at first, and over the year the work deepened and expanded. I felt integrated and I expanded what I mean buy that feeling. this year, I'm getting strong clues. I have been listening to a soul retrieval cd with Dr Alberto Villoldo, which is really working for me. One thing that really came thru in this was an explanation of well-ness and dis-ease, that rather than move iron filings around in better patterns, move the hidden magnet, and the iron filings will follow. I have all the tools to move the magnet, and to be aligned in Source. I just need to get out of my own way.

this week's pic is an extreme closeup of agave leaves, tough, succulent, ery green and sweet but protected by spines. typical of a waning moon, I am focusing on loose ends and little details. I am happy that my ability to crunch thru to-do's, at home and at work, has really gone up, as has my energy level. one more luxurious weekend of not-much-gallivanting, I will really be back on track. this is why I am eschewing going out too much (altho I am invited to Dark Moon circle on sunday evening, but luckily that is on the early side).
rio_luna5: (halloween kitten)
Thursday was beautiful and warm. i was still very bummed abu=out the continued dysfunctional state of the dishwasher. i had a million things to do but i had 2 goals fr the day: all the groceries (the list was long) and Starhouse for samhain. luckily my friend Karen invited cherise over for the whole day so i was freed up. i got in the groceries and i did some dihes and i managed to get on the road for Boulder, rather late.

Kickoff was at 7pm and i was late because of this and that, and also cherise's new spate of separation anxiety which causes her to throw herself in front of me every time i leave the house. ugh. so i was pissed but i hit the road. i asked the car and Guidance to get me to the rite, but i had little hope i'd make it.

the chat in my head went like this:
Guidance:it'll be fine
me; i guess Pagan standard time and all
G: it's fine
me: (checking clock) maybe they'll cut me in, they never turn away late people
G; would you stop?
me: hmmm maybe i'll just get dinner in boulder
G: (bored) whatevs

And i am pulling into the parking area at 7:30, and i rush to the temple, to discover that the officiants were quite late in setting the space and everyone had to wait outside til just a few minutes before.

my moms was with me when i got ut of the car and she walked with me to the temple.

i had juts enouhg cash to cover the entrance. the work was beautiful and simple, we did nt have 20 minutes of quarter calls which yea, hooray for that. we each whispered our invitees in. there was a sacred geometry piece where we created a cube around this sacred Couch on the floor. we each took turns going into the center and spending a few minutes in deep contemplation, before oign the walking circuit around the sqaure. when i lay down i got lots of images, lots of touch and gifts and love from an ancestress. big treasures.

when i was leaving, i said good bye to J the priest, he's an old hippie guy, very knowledable in alchemy and a real sacreds craftsman. he said, wow, you had some characters around you. i was all, oh yeah--SPILL!! he said, when you went in the middle all this love just poured in after you, just followed you in.

wow.

it was awesome to be in the starhouse, and at nihgt. during the day it's so clear and full of light, so starlike, at night its warm and cosy and solar. i had made a decision to come to tarhouse more often after RJ stewart a few weeks, and i was making good on that. the walk back to the car was cool and beuatiful and still. it felt like samhain was well and trule kicked off, and i had really had meaningful contact with my peeps. not as muchas i'd like, but i felt them, i smelled my gradfather (i had to work to bring that sense memory back).

on the drive home, on that twisty mountain road, i found myself stopped in a traffic jam, so unusual, as someone was hauling off a rusted out schoolbus. i was lsitening to a great dead tape. i took a secnd to offer up thanks for the evening's work to the Ancestors and the land spirits. then i saw the license plate in front of me:

GR8FL

yes i am! i got home, had a snack and read email, staying uptil about midnight, just to see the October 31 pop up on my compuetr, and i went to bd, knowing i would not have migraines the next day ( and i did not).
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