rio_luna5: (cherry tree)
[personal profile] rio_luna5
So yes, i found it a bit odd that i was fairly determined in my mind to fuck this man i really don't know too well, but determined i was to at least some smooching in. And i was pretty much not ashamed at all, exzcept i was woried i was being awkward and ineept about it.

Because i kept running into him, becaise there kept being vibes. Because it's been a while since i felt that kind of Pagan wood-lust. because for whatever reason i felt safe with this man. And i kept running into him--at the maypole, on the trail. Saturday afternoon, Chjerise went off to play and i took a moment to lie down, get some shut eye before Gavin Bon's class. and i'm lying in bed, really wanting to masturbate and fantasize about this man, i fight this urge for some time and finally get up and put my clothes and get ready to do something edifying. and there he is walking ebhind my damn cabin. this is getting just silly.

my class with Gavin Bone is amazing. ayt one point he asks for someone to be his Lovely Assitant in doing the chalice and i was called up to assist. He knelt at my feet and handed me the athame. damn, he is fine. then in the evening, I attaned Gavin and Janet ferrar's prophecy ritual, and i was called to help the priestess channelling hecate. again, damn.

after all this, and putting cherise to bed, i went looking for him. at the maypole he had invited me to hang out that nite. "Now you dont need to run off tonite, you need to hang out." And when i foudn them again,late at the drumming, I was invited back to their tent, i got entheogenic and we were off to the races.

the moly had a crown stamped on it, and i was unsure about taking it but the crown was a clue that this was a Sovereignty thing going on. The onset was FAST and i reallky shoul have grounded better before takeoff, because i spilled my guts. i cried a little, i talk til i went non-verbal, i felt the grief of the deaths and the loneliness of being married to aaron, and on it went. I recited the Hymn to Pan, we got naked, more women showd up, we blessed the fields and it was crazy.

when i finally got back into my bed, at 6am, i was blissed out. no i didnt fuck that much, and the trip had shown me several places where my Sovereignty failed. but i felt so at peace and loved and happy. such a marvelous gift, so much affirmation.

now in the week since this event, i've had highs and lows, i've considered what it means. i came back vibrating and still high off the Pan energy. Monday night late, i stood naked on the balcony and had a psychic yelling match. I've sifted thru so much intel and i have some truths:

-the sex was a catalyst. it might be nothign more. but it's about the liberation of the human spirit wich has not been my experience in soo long.
-I'm poly. i tried to repress this shit for so long but i am poly. saying this settles into me and feels true
-there is a wave of magick flwoing thru my life. in typical fashion it iognited via earth magick at beltane and i beleive it will follow the cycle. In any case, i want to be part of this ashe for as a logn as it flows
-this wave that lifted myself, J&A seems to so synchronous, there are deep conisidence and synchronicity here. also, a very sudden care and affection, beyond the sexual. there seems to be a reason why we are suddenly thrown together. This, and othr contacts at Beltania, i feel like i have found part of my Colo tribe.
-this ashe is real and it is touching my life. My writing is taking off. last thrusday i wrote for 3 hours. my intention to write more & more better, is comign true. My roses are blooming ffo r the first time in years. THis means all the Litha magick i have not been able to do, know I can. My apple trees are coming in. i see this as an emanation of this ashe
-there appears to be work i need to do here, and play as well, and wonder of wodners, my kids are about to leave for 6 weeks so hallelujah.
-i was out very late saturday nite (i gothome arund 4:30am) and aaron laughed because it is so unlike me. I told him that i'm feeling waves of new energy and while they last i want to go with it, including the taking rolls and hanging out all night. so despite thinking he was goign to be very against it, he's fine with me taking this time to revel in the ecstatic.
-i'm not sure i want to have sex with J & A again, but i feel so free to make that choice, and i also feel more satisfied NOT to. it all feels like my choice again and i am so grateful

As a reward for all this work, a huge chunk of rape trauma understanding was dropped on me, and i integrated it. it stung but it has no power ovr me now.
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